Life After
by INMH
Summary: For the love bingo challenge, prompt "Widowhood". I chose to interpret it as "Widowerhood". Mikael is quite lonely without Esther.


Life After

**Rating:** PG-13/T

**Genre:** Romance/Drama/Angst

**Summary:** For the love_bingo challenge, prompt "Widowhood". I chose to interpret it as "Widowerhood". Mikael is quite lonely without Esther.

**Author's Note:** I adore Mikael/Esther, and I seem to be one of only a handful that do.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Vampire Diaries. It belongs to L.J. Smith/The CW.

()()

Mikael was not accustomed to being alone.

He'd grown up with five siblings, gotten married and started having children almost immediately after. There had never been a time in his life where he didn't have his sisters pestering him, his parents giving him chores, his children vying for his attention or Esther… Being Esther.

All in all, it's her that Mikael misses the most. Children grow up and move away. He left his parents' home when he was married just as his sisters did, and he knew one day his children would do the same. But Esther was supposed to be there forever. She was his wife, his mate, and they were supposed to be together until they died.

Which, technically, Mikael supposed they did do: He was an undead abomination to nature, and she was just dead.

Some nights, Mikael's rage at Niklaus sufficed to distract him. His mission to wipe out every vampire he came across, possibly ending with his… _Son_… Was time-consuming, and required much energy, patience and planning. Some nights, all he needed was to get lost in the rage or the blood of some unsuspecting vampire and Mikael found that the memories just disappeared for a time.

It never lasted.

On the nights when he was compelled to rest, when his mind had a chance to wander in directions that he neither liked nor was capable of controlling, Mikael found himself lonely for his family- and particularly his wife. The quiet talks, the physical closeness of her, the silent moments when he simply watched her move about their home doing whatever she did; the little things.

It was worse in bed, where in the hazy moments right before sleep or right after it he failed to realize that she wasn't beside him anymore, that he wouldn't hear her request to roll off of her hair or to move over a bit, or feel her pressed against his back or chest where she was warmest and safest. A quick grope behind always confirmed it, and it always brought back that sharp stab of pain that had been at its peak the day that she had died.

Then always came the guilt- _Idiot, idiot, why did you leave? Why didn't you stay with her? You knew Niklaus was angry, hurt, and you still left her alone with him to go and satisfy your own rage. Now your family is shattered because of you._ And it was because of him. He had suggested the idea of immortality to Esther. He had fed the children wine and then stabbed them with his sword. He had left Esther at Niklaus's mercy.

Then he would get up and pitch himself back into his revenge-fueled quest and try to forget again.

The affair coming to light had sparked an insane rage in him that could not be controlled. Mikael had been angry at Esther, at Niklaus, at the werewolves, everyone. He had killed half of their village and the majority of the wolves' village in his fury, which had only been extinguished upon coming home and finding Esther dead on the floor of their home, a gaping hole in her chest where her heart used to be.

And suddenly, the anger and the betrayal wrought by her hadn't meant so much. When Rebekah was a little, little girl, hotheaded then as she was now, she had flown into temper-tantrums at the drop of the hat. Sometimes she would completely lose control and say "I hate you, I hate you!" at her parents and brothers before falling off into some melodramatic wailing. But there had never been a doubt that if one of them had actually dropped dead, she would have been devastated at their loss. She never meant it as badly as it sounded.

And that was what Mikael felt like: A stupid child who had thrown a temper-tantrum on a ridiculously destructive level and paid dearly for it in the end. Because in those moments after learning what he had learned, yes, he _had_ hated Esther just a bit. Mikael had always been loyal, always faithful to her. He had never once even considered straying. And yet the same could not be said for her. Pain and fury made him hate, and that hatred had led him to feeling the greatest guilt he'd ever faced.

Only in retrospect did he see the major error of his ways, saw the danger of his temper and what it could do to him and to others. Esther's life had been too steep a price to pay for that lesson, but paid Mikael had.

In the thousand-plus years that he'd lived, Mikael had yet to find any woman who matched up to Esther. Not that he was interested in trying. She was beautiful, talented, strong, dignified; they had shared children together, experiences he could never recreate with anyone else.

No woman, human, werewolf or vampire could ever match his jagged edges the way that Esther could. She knew his moods, his likes, certainly his dislikes, knew how to soothe him or snap him back to his better frame of mind when angry. No other woman could ever hope to have the same effect on him. To even vaguely ponder the possibility of actively trying to find one that could felt like a betrayal of the worst kind.

Sometimes Mikael thought he could feel Esther nearby. Maybe she _was_ there; after all, ghosts would not be the strangest things he had ever encountered. But he doesn't know whether the possibility of Esther being so nearby and not being able to see or hear her is more painful or comforting. Could she see how badly he regretted how things went? Did she know how sorry he was? Was she disappointed that after a thousand years, he hadn't managed to stop Niklaus yet?

Knowing that she could be so close, his best partner in life, and not being able to speak to her was a cruel possibility. Mikael tried not to entertain it too often, else he start having long conversations with the air around him in the hopes that she was somehow managing to hear it. He had already taken to muttering things to her out loud on the spur of the moment, and usually ended up feeling like a fool.

_She's not here. She's not here because she's dead, and it's entirely your fault. Find Niklaus and **end** him so that this can be over. Get your last revenge so that she can rest peacefully. _

The phone on the bed stand in the Seattle motel room Mikael was currently occupying began to ring. Though he couldn't deny how useful the technology was, he had found he couldn't _stand_ phones of any kind, and he took a moment to glare at the offending machine before picking it up.

"_Mikael_."

"Yes, John?"

"_You told me to call if I had any information for you._"

"I did. What do you have?"

"_Nothing on Klaus, but word has it a new doppelganger's popped up in Mystic Falls. I traced her family line, and I don't know how it's possible, but she looks remarkably like that Katerina woman you mentioned. You might want to see for yourself_."

Every iota of Mikael's attention was caught. "I'll be there as soon as possible." He hung up the phone and began to gather his things. Where there was a doppelganger, Klaus was bound to be. And even if he wasn't, killing the girl would prevent any further attempts at breaking the curse.

"We almost have him, love," Mikael whispered as he picked up his bag and prepared to leave. "We've almost finished it." This time, he didn't feel foolish.

And he knew Esther would be satisfied.

-End


End file.
